So guys. It's been what, almost two whole years now? Life has been crazy. I think about February 2014 was about my last post. A few months after that I lost one of my jobs, nearly lost my apartment, faced a near death of my father, who I was never very close to, and the death of one of my half brothers (who I was also not very close to), ect. ect. I do apologize for my lack of responsibility with this blog-that was never my intention.

How about a brief update....I've moved, got a much nicer apartment, I got a much better job, but close to my year mark I quit for a call center job (read: less stressful, or so I thought...), my first ever sit down job. Needless to say, I packed on probably a good 20 or so pounds over the course of a couple of months. I missed my old job, so I went back, and am going through the orientation and everything this week, and should be on shift soon. My weight as of this morning is 227 *shudders*.

I was browsing social media and found an old picture of me, I would have been maybe 14 or 15. This would have been right before I went on anti depressants. How I ever called myself fat back then is beyond me. I couldn't have weighed more than 150 or so, and I would love more than anything to get back to that. I also have a fancy camera now, so I will be able to actually upload pictures for you guys, however many there are. That's all for now at least. I'm hoping that around the middle of January I can get a gym membership, and start working out. That's the ideal plan at least.

Right now for food, money is pretty tight so to avoid buying a lot of groceries, it's clean-out-the-house month. So my diet is not going to be the best for a while, things like Hamburger Helper and ramen,  but I'm hoping to at least squeeze in enough veggies and fruit to make a smoothie now and again. Guys, I heart smoothies. So. Much. One of my favorites, especially in the fall/winter times, is what I like to call an "apple pie" smoothie. One day soon I hope to upload pictures for you. But, I will give you the recipe.

Chop up one whole banana, one whole apple, add a couple spoonfuls of PB, and toss an ice cube or two in, then add some cinnamon. I vary my amounts of cinnamon, it just depends on my mood. I add about 1 to 1.5 cups of vanilla or unsweetened plant based milk, usually soy milk. Lately I've discovered the wonders of Cacao powder, though mine isn't so fancy. It's just Hershey's cocoa powder, found in the baking section of Dillons. I assume it's the same as Wal-Mart. I like a really smooth smoothie, so I blend it for a really long time. But guys. This smoothie is heaven. I also really enjoy banana/strawberry smoothies, and once I used chocolate milk (plant based), which as I recollect, was also amazing. That's all I have for now folks, hopefully I get a chance to jump back on here fairly soon and give you some pictures.

Sorry for my absence!!!

OK guys. First off, I want to say that I am SO SORRY for disappearing for, like, ever. I had been in the middle of a post and my internet (OK, it wasn't mine, specifically, it was a neighbor's) went out. Then life got in the way. I don't remember where I was in my last post but I work two jobs, one at Taco Bell afternnoons/nights, usually around 5pm to 2 or 3am, and then at McDonalds usually froom 11am to 4pm. Needless to say, when I'm not at work, I'm asleep, and I'm so not kidding. I may be up for an hour or so after work, but usually its not long before I head to bed, then wake up and go back to work. Still, it's absolutely not an excuse. I could do a workout in that hour. It'd probably make my life easier, and a little less stressful to get some exercise. But jeez, the internet is better :) Sorry, haha. And I got a gym membership, which I have used -gulp- once :( I know, I know, I'm a bad person with no motivation I'm a great person who is just starting out and will make mistakes along the way. I have days off from at least one job a few days a week, I could always go in early then. I guess I don't because I'm a seriously lazy person. And the gym is SO cool guys. You consult with a trainer the first day or so, and then they have this computer system that takes the info submitted via the trainer, and prints your workouts for you, with your goals in mind. For example, if I wanted to get buff, it'd give me all kinds of strength exercises, the reps, the machines, etc. It takes the guesswork out of what to do. I had a gym membership when I was like 16 and my mom got us each one, and I always kind of wandered around, not sure what to do or anything, just completely lost. This program takes that away and tells you what to do. And, it keeps you from plateuing. Soooooooooo why haven't I been haunting that place??? Because I'm lazy. This blog, I'm gonna try and be real and not make excuses. If I start to make excuses, I ususally set it straight, while I'm typing. Partially so that you guys don't think I'm some good for nothing hobo, and partially to be real with myself as well.

As for what has me writing now. I was looking through a lot of my old Facebook pictures, and was honestly disgusted. I really want to be one of those skinny girls, one of the runners who can go for miles and miles, and make it look easy. But more than that, I want to be healthy. If that means I'm not a stick, I'm still all for it. I'm just really getting tired of being so...big. My BMI was somewhere around 35 I think, which I know certainly isn't the best in the world. My body fat percentage, was around 40%. Give or take. Most likely give. Guys, that means almost half of my body is fat....I'm not OK with that. I want to do better. Part of it is I just don't seem to have time. Which is again another excuse. My jobs are right down the road from each other and the gym is literally on the other side of the street. Should be a no brainer. Maybe it is. Anyways, it's getting late, it's about 3:11 now as I'm typing this, and I have to be up at 10, so I'm probably gonna go pass out for as long as I can.

Signing Off.

So guys. Haven't posted lately. I'm going to attribute it to laziness, pure and simple. I could claim I've been busy with work, but I have plenty of free time afterwards. Something I'm kind of learning: You can't eat healthy if there is no healthy food in your house. And it kind of makes it difficult when you can't just drive to the grocery store and get your stuff. And, you know, the Midwest is kind of covered in a foot of snow right now, too. I'm going to try and stop making excuses. I could certainly take the bus. I could wake up earlier (I have a 5pm to close, which is usually 2 am or 3 am, and don't get to sleep until very early in the morning. I mean early. So I sleep late.) and haul my lazy butt to the bus stop and go to the grocery store. Another problem: no food stamps. And I don't get paid until Friday. And almost all of it will go towards bills. I am going to be making a big decision soon: I'm getting a cat. I've wanted a cat for a very long time. However, I keep arguing with myself. You're complaining about not having money for food, yet you are able to afford a cat? How are you going to feed it if you can't feed yourself, is the usual argument I make. It is a legitamate argument, I'll admit. However with my new job, I'm getting more hours, which will equal bigger paychecks (and more taxes taken out of them). So I will add some money for food to my budget, and the cat food, etc. It's all about the budget. It makes things easier to handle. Argument #1, busted.  I try to not rely on the food stamps I get too much. Makes me feel like a moocher, even though I'm working my ass off to barely eke out a living. Hopefully I will get a better job soon. Anyways, back to my main point (you'll notice I tend to ramble a lot). No healthy food in the house. Had a day off today, which has been weird. I currently have for food in my house: some rice, ramen, left over pizza when I cracked and bought some a few days ago, and some hamburger helper I haven't felt like cooking (but now sounds very good!). That's about it. And until Friday, I don't want to spend any money on food unless I have to (like to actually eat something at work; Taco Bell has you pay half price). The money I have saved up is for my future roommate. So I'm kind of struggling between eating unhealthy or not eating. Naturally I chose to eat...and ate the last of my pizza. It is very difficult to make good food choices when you don't make enough money to buy good food. Sorry guys, but a lot of that healthy stuff is expensive. Or at least, more expensive. But that will not keep me from trying. I want to get a lot of fruits/veggies, and actually eat them. I'm an incredibly picky eater; my favorite saying is "That's rabbit food, I'm not a rabbit". I'm more of a steak girl. But I want to change, so I suppose I'll have to learn to love salads and stuff. Wish me luck whoever is out there reading this boring blog!

First post! Hehe. So, I am going to lay down the law here. I'm starting this blog in the desolate state of Kansas. I have never done an official weight loss blog, and have tried to keep a running blog. Here's to hoping this blog will help me stay motivated, because I am sick and tired of being fat. I haven't weighed myself in a while, but around November-ish or so I was roughly 186 lbs. I'm around 5'2". I suppose I should also mention I'm a girl. Here's how it happened: I was one of those kids who could eat anything and never gain any weight. I ran around outside, literally all day. I played all sorts of games, I definitely did not have a sedentary childhood. Then, when I was maybe seven or eight my awesome mom got me a Gameboy Advance and my very first Pokemon game (because I'ma nerd). I started to spend more time indoors, but I did not really gain any weight. My mom was--and still is--notorious for cooking a huge amount of food and it was very easy to overeat when the food is homemade and there's just so much of this delicious stuff. I'm talking homemade from scratch chocolate cake you'd sell your soul for, cheesecake, rich stroganoff, lasagna, pretty much anything. Still, I didn't really start gaining a whole lot of weight, at least not in my memory. I suppose I put on a few pounds as I approached middle school--who isn't insecure about their bodies? Especially when all of the other girls were scary thin and I felt like a blimp next to them. Still, I wasn't that big. Maybe 130 if I had to guess, at 12 or 13. Meanwhile girls are complaining that they are 120 or less. I spent a lot of my middle school years wanting to smack people (but never did, for the record). I had some bad stuff happen to me in my 7th grade year, and I started comfort eating more, and stopped playing outside as much, but I wasn't huge by any means. A little chunkier compared to the toothpicks I went to school with, sure. My weight slowly climbed in my freshman year of high school. I was maybe 140 or 150 around my sophomore year, and became majorly depressed due to a lot of issues I had going on in my life. I was put on antidepressants, and BAM my weight skyrocketed to almost 200 lbs. 198 was the highest I have ever been, I believe. I turned into an eating machine. It was pretty bad, I'll admit it. I was hungry all the time. So my senior year rolls around and I decide to go off of my meds, and my appetite just disappeared. It became very difficult to not starve just by accident--I was absolutely not hungry at all. I had an after school job at a Subway and was hard-pressed to eat a six inch sub...all day. I would not eat at school, and then barely be able to force down a six inch subway sandwich. I started to make myself eat some more, and I suppose my weight has dropped some. I started Cross Country my senior year in an effort to really stick with running, but pushing my almost 200 pound body to run 2 miles after a summer of no running gave me a nice set of shin splints that took months to heal--XC ended in October, and it was April and I was still unable to walk down some stairs without pain, and I had stopped running when XC ended. I really do love to run....once I do it a few times and get back into the rythm. My body had already started to change in my couple of months forcing myself to barely shuffle through a mile or so. My pants were looser, my calves were awesome, you could tell I was losing fat. But, like I said, I stopped the running to let my body heal. Since then I've tried to get back into it, however I'm finding out that I have very poor self-motivation--if I'm involved in a group that holds me accountable, I'll show up. If not, I talk myself out of it after a couple of weeks. So that's sort of my history. Now, most people would say they are going to start off eating healthy food and stuff. No fast food, ect. I would love to do that. Unfortunately, I can't. Not right now, at least. I'm flat broke. I hold down two jobs, a part time job at McDonalds, and full time at Taco Bell, and I can barely afford for my apartment and bills. Fast food is not paying me enough to survive. I have food stamps just so I can have food in my house, but I am only getting $70 a month. And lets face it, healthy stuff is more expensive than cheap food that is crap for you. For example: I would love to get organic eggs. They taste better. But they are ridiculously expensive. So I have to go for the super cheap, hormone loaded eggs. I would love to get veggies and fruits and all that, but everything is so expensive. I'm somewhat limited in food choices. Most of my food, sadly, comes from my jobs. Of course, I've come to realize that there are still healthier choices than the burger and fries route, like a salad and yogurt, and hopefully I can take that option. Another thing that limits me food wise: I don't have a car. It's sad, but just about the only ones who work fast food that can afford a car are the managers. 99% of the other workers get rides from friends, or, if you're me, walk to work. It is exercise, but it kind of limits trips to the Wal-mart to get a cartful of food to put in your car and drive home. However, I am done making excuses. I may not have the best of situations, but I'm going to try and make the best out of it. If I have to (and sadly I do) live off of fast food, I'll at least try and choose the healthiest items like a salad and water. Here's to hoping this blog will keep me on track. I'm sick and tired of looking at myself in the mirror and seeing my fat face, fat body, huge hips and even bigger ass. I want to be one of those skinny girls, but more than that, I want to be healthy. If being healthy means being "thick" or at least not being a toothpick, I'm good with that. I'm tired of freaking out whenever my friend tries to pick me up and moving so they won't, because I'm afraid of what they will think, or worse, that they won't be able to pick me up. I don't like that. I've let this go for too long. I will try and post daily, but no guarantees with the whole two jobs deal. I will also be posting a before picture or two of myself (-gulp). At least it will be a before picture. Alright, I've rambled long enough. Good night random internet people I will never know or meet. Signing off.